Defining Moments

Defining Moments That Change Our Lives

At a recent event, I listened to a speaker share a defining moment from his life—an experience that altered his path profoundly. It struck me how these powerful, often unexpected, moments can shape our lives in ways beyond our control. These defining moments, while not always positive, inevitably mold who we are.

Defining moments have the potential to either build us up or bring us down, shifting our direction in unforeseen ways. I’ve experienced both kinds, especially involving my father. Some moments were painful, with lasting impacts I’m still working to overcome.

The first defining experience happened when I was about 12. I was playing with my little brother when my father entered the room, frustrated. He lashed out at me, angrily throwing me across the room and telling me I was “a girl in a boy’s body”—claiming one day I’d wake up as a girl because that’s what I supposedly wanted. That moment led me down a path of endless self-questioning. I doubted my worth, my identity, and even whether my father loved me. I knew, deep down, that he didn’t understand me.

The second moment came not long after. I overheard him telling my mother that of all his children, I’d be the one to fall into addiction—to be the “druggie or alcoholic.” It solidified my belief that he didn’t love me, and it was easier for me to harbor hatred than to feel the pain of his lack of love.

These moments reinforced my own feelings of worthlessness. I’ve since realized it’s common to never discuss these kinds of defining moments with the people who caused them. I asked the recent event’s speaker if he’d ever confronted the people involved in his pivotal experience. He said he hadn’t; it simply went unspoken, as such moments often do. My sister once pointed out that shame or guilt can keep people from discussing painful incidents, and I agree.

Over the years, I grew to love my dad. I came to see that he struggled to connect with a son who was so unlike himself. He was a cowboy through and through, and I was not the image he’d envisioned for his child. I wish we’d had the chance to talk about it before he passed—to understand what was going through his mind. Did he even realize how his words and actions affected me? Was I a target for other frustrations in his life? I have so many unanswered questions.

Another defining moment came at his funeral. Listening to the praise from siblings and grandchildren, I felt almost betrayed. Their stories were of a man I barely recognized. I realized then that my dad’s life had been about “overcoming others’ becoming.” He had faced abandonment and struggled without a father, and I was a reminder of his own unresolved struggles. He spent his life overcoming those hardships and, by the end, he had become the person they spoke so highly of. But for me, my journey has been about overcoming his becoming.

These experiences taught me that defining moments often arise from others’ pain. My father was in a dark place, dealing with divorce and a fractured family. He struggled to see me without being reminded of my mother, and I believe he channeled that pain toward me. Those few minutes of anger and frustration altered my life profoundly, and it’s taken years to understand and move past them.

Yet, understanding the concept of “overcoming to become” has helped me to forgive him and move forward. At another event, I had a defining moment where I truly grasped the idea that “from our greatest wounds comes our greatest gold.” I finally let go of the past and embraced the lessons born from my pain. That realization transformed my life, showing me how God uses our hardships to shape us into something beautiful. I’m grateful for the “gold” in my life, and I strive to help others discover theirs.

As we share the gold from our defining moments, its value only grows. The more we invest it in others, the more it multiplies.

I encourage you to consider how your own defining moments might bless others. Even if you’re still working through them, keep moving forward. The gold will come, bringing life-changing opportunities to make a difference.

Have a Day of Defining Moments,

Brad – Certified Life Coach and Mentor